Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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