No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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