Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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