her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
