how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
