Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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