i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
