I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
