my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
