So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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