Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
