dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
