you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
