he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize