This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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