This is not my ceiling
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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