I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
