you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
