I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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