you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
