I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
