I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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