Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
