life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you would pick up someone in the library
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
