you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We are all done wearing pants today
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