I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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