At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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