meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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