I wish my penis had an off switch
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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