I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He did a backflip because drugs
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