Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
