Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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