grandma shit on top of the toilet
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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