I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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