I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
