3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
