YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
