I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
