So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Then you guys just all showered together...?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
