I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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