You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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