Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
