really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
only you would photoshop your dick
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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