I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just had sex on a roof
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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