you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
