I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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