hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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