Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
