the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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