Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
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i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
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Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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