yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
