I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
