Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
