Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
