I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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