Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
