I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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