it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just cropdusted the office
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
