he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
