i just google imaged poop.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
