the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
